Adventures In Condom Wearing

Ummm, well, our sombredito supplies were running a bit low last week so I stopped at the grocery store to pick up another box.
Sombreditos="Little Hats"
My husband served a Spanish-speaking mission and he invented sombreditos as the magical, family-friendly code name for condoms.
After hearing copious commercials for Trojan's new Fire & Ice product I thought we'd give it an enthusiastic try.
I scored the last box on the shelf but failed to notice the big gold letters that stamped out the word MAGNUM on the front.
Now, I wouldn't ever want to belittle (heh, belittle) my husband in any way but he's not exactly a candidate for Magnum-sized condoms.
His junk will never be featured in a Japanese-styled monster movie entitled "It Came From Mr. Lotts's Pants." He has instead what I like to call "sufficient for my needs."
Yeah, so we achieved massive snug fit fail much akin to a weenie dog outfitted in Marmaduke's hooded sweater.
Worse than that though was the promised fire and ice "tingling sensations" offered up by the Trojan company.
It felt more like slathering our private parts with Vick's Vapo Rub which is great if our genitals ever catch a cold and need deep decongestant relief otherwise, not so much.
Your Money: Don't waste it on buying Fire & Ice sombreditos.
Reading skills: Use them before buying the wrong condom size.
Free giveaway: Anyone want a barely used box of Magnum prophylactics?

I Spotted A Colossal Hung Dong While Cruising The Streets Of Houston!

*WARNING: This post may offend your puritanical sensibilities. May I redirect you to something more sanitized and boringly wholesome? Perhaps you'd like to visit The Pioneer Woman and gaze upon yet another cow snapshot? It's all part of her Billion Bovine pictorial movement. What about cow labor laws? Are those cattle getting reimbursed for their exploitation at the hands of that scurrilous Pioneer Woman???!? Anyway, I cannot be held responsible for any facial marks you may incur from furiously slapping your hand to your gaping mouth while reading the shocking contents of this post.*

In its three plus years of existence this blog has never once featured Hung Dong pictures. So when the opportunity arose to capture this magnificent Hung Dong, I seized upon it. I consider my friend Carrot Jello to be one of the most spiritual and morally upstanding people I've ever met; and yet even she giggled like a little girl at the sight of an eerily glowing Hung Dong that beckoned to us from beyond the darkened roadway.......well, actually, she giggled after recovering from the whiplash she suffered from my abrupt full speed U-Turn action.

I think we're all in agreement here that HUNG DONG is an unfortunate name for a food market.
Can you imagine putting Hung Dong on your resume? "Uh yes, I worked briefly as a janitor at Hung Dong. It was a filthy thankless job trying to keep that Hung Dong clean. I got tired of mopping up constant spills."

The Infidel family usually shops at Kroger's grocery store. I used to own a T-shirt that I got during a customer appreciation promotion. It screamed "I LOVE KROGER'S!" in big white letters. Now let's just picture a similar giveaway from Hung Dong, shall we? I'm thinking it might give off the wrong impression to walk around wearing a garment that declares: "I LOVE HUNG DONG!" across the front.

As a general rule Hung Dong refuses to sell cocktail smokies. You'll never find a store circular advertising "The Hung Dong Now Has Little Weenies!" No, clearly the Hung Dong prefers to engage only in mondo sausage sale celebrations. They must maintain and protect their image and street cred, people.

I wonder if Hung Dong is a chain, a franchise, or a one location only kind of store? Does the owner walk around bragging to everyone he meets about his amazing Hung Dong? The proprietor obviously takes good care of his Hung Dong. Notice the impenetrable shield designed to keep Hung Dong safe?

I'll bet certain words are forbidden within the confines of the Hung Dong boardroom. In regards to discouraging sales figures the manager avoids his first instinct to sigh excessively and say things like "Oh crap, the old Hung Dong is really sagging these days." Other banished terms include "droopy" and "limp." Approved Hung Dong business words: stiff, steady growth, spread sheets, endurance, and greater volume.

So is Houston the only place where you can find a decent Hung Dong? Do other cities have a Hung Dong or will we Houstonians gain yet another title to add to our growing collection that includes The Fattest City, The Space City, and Bayou City? Hung Dong Houston. I like it. I can envision the tourism board pamphlet now: Come Visit Houston.....You'll Love Our Hung Dong!

Mona Lott Presents A Tribute To "A Nice Guy"

I like themes, schemes, and gimmicky gimmicks.
Birthday celebrations are no different.
You've sucessfully lived past the life expectancy age of most third world countries and that calls for a party of epic proportions!
In honor of your 35th birthday I'd like to present to you: A Tool Trifecta Prize Pack!

Henry the Hoover is good, clean, and more importantly portable fun!
Got suction? Well, now you do! Also included is a shiny new knob upgrade which you can Hoover anytime, anyplace, with reckless abandon.

Here's my latest political campaign speech: And as your Imperialistic Ruler Supreme I would make sure to provide countless cock suckers for the cock-suckerless through a planned
Cock Suckers United intiative funded by the Lickety Split Society.

And finally, a versatile hand-knitted koozie set specially designed to keep your banana as toasty warm as a Bananas Foster Flambe! Especially good for nippy nights down at the White Moon nudist colony when you want to keep that jerkface Jack Frost from nipping at more than just your nose!

Next year shall be declared a "Jubilee" birthday where mirthful joy shall spill abundantly as a chocolate fountain at a wedding recpetion that somebody spiked with rum.

There's a definite possibility of a painted Wipie Warmer going on the list of potential presents.

Since I can't be there with you to do this in person I'm going to have the illustrious and phenomenally talented Mr. Methane "sing" Happy Birthday to you:


HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAWN!!!